Ways To Solve Their Problems
by Sailor J-chanDuoxHilde 4ever
Summary: This is basically all the characters coming on a talk show and I come up with ways to solve their problems! 4th up: Theresa, Ethan, and Gwen. Warning: Gwen-bashing. R/R
1. Beth, Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio

Disclaimer-I don't own Passions, Dragonball Z, or Pokemon

Beth, Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio 

Sailor J-chan: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of 'How I Would Solve Their Problems'! Our first guests are Beth Wallace, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, Sheridan Crane, and Antonio Lopez-Fitzgerald!

*Beth, Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio walk/roll out*

Sheridan: Hey, how did Antonio get out of his coma?

Sailor J-chan: Uhh…that's not important! Please, sit.

*Beth, Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio sit*

Sailor J-chan: Now, Beth and Luis are engaged, and Sheridan and Antonio are married. But Sheridan wants Luis, and Luis wants Sheridan, but they're afraid to tell Antonio because of his sickness and the truth may kill him. And Beth wants Luis.

Beth: That rich slut Sheridan stole Luis from me!

Sheridan: I did not! Luis loves me!

Beth: *Attacks Sheridan*

*Security guarda pop out and make Beth sit in her chair. Sheridan has a black eye*

Sailor J-chan: One at a time. Now, Beth, tell us your side of the story.

Beth: I was going to marry Luis. He proposed to me and everything! But all the while, Sheridan was trying to take him from me! I saw Sheridan seduce Luis into sleeping with her, and then convince him to elope with her. So I drugged Luis's drink and made sure he didn't go out to marry her!

Sheridan: You little…that's why Luis didn't come!

Sailor J-chan: Sheridan! Let Beth speak!

Beth: And then I stopped Luis from preventing Sheridan and Antonio's wedding, and my stupid mother had a heart attack trying to stop me. She's always trying to stop me from finding happiness! Why, Mommy, why? Why won't you hug me? *Bursts into tears*

Mrs. Wallace: *Stand up in audience* You faker!

Sailor J-chan: Shut up, Mrs. Wallace! You don't want your baby girl to be happy! I hate Gwen and Rebecca, but at least Rebecca tried to help Gwen find happiness! Mirai Marron! 

*Mirai Marron, a character J-chan made up under DBZ, appears*

Sailor J-chan: Kill Mrs. Wallace!

Mirai Marron: Sorry, J-chan, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.

Sailor J-chan: Oh, what good are you? *Makes her disappear* Now, continue, Beth.

Beth: *Wipes her eyes* And then, when Luis and I took my mother to the hospital, Sheridan and Antonio got married. And then Luis took me to a hotel where Antonio and Sheridan where staying. Then he made google eyes with Sheridan while I waited for him. And then Sheridan forgot to give Antonio his medicine and Antonio wound up in a coma, and now Sheridan is deciding whether or not to give Antonio the drug, and that's where we left off.

Sailor J-chan: Thank you. Now, Luis's turn.

Luis: Well…I proposed to Beth, but I fell in love with Sheridan. I agreed to elope with her, but I missed the marriage. Then Beth started acting weird and then Mrs. Wallace had the heart attack…and it pretty much went the same way as Beth said it. But Sheridan and I were NOT being google-eyed. We were talking, and agreed to tell Beth and Antonio about our relationship. But then, Antonio went into a coma, and that's it.

Sailor J-chan: Thank you. Now, Sheridan.

Sheridan: I was engaged to Antonio but truly loved Luis. I talked Luis into eloping with me…

Beth: Seduced, you mean!

Sheridan: … and then I waited for him. But he never showed. Gwen came and got me and took me to the church to get ready, and then Beth said that she and Luis had sex last night. Then Mrs. Wallace had the heart attack and I married Antonio while Beth and Luis were away at the hospital, and then I saw Luis at the hotel and forgot to give Antonio his medicine...you know the rest.

Sailor J-chan: And now, Antonio.

Antonio: Frankly, I can't see anything and I haven't the foggiest clue what you're talking about, and all I want is my Liz…I mean, Sheridan!

Drummer in background: Dun Dun Duuuuuun!

Antonio: My Sheridan. Sheridan…

Sailor J-chan: Admit it! You thought that Sheridan wanted to marry you and you wouldn't break her heart by telling her you secretly wanted Liz all along! And, when you found out couldn't have Liz, you told Sheridan you wanted to die by not taking the experimental drug! The truth comes out! Admit it!

Antonio: *Looks uncomfortable* Well…

Sheridan: Antonio…?

Antonio: It's true! It's all true! I love Liz! Liz, come to me, my Liz! My one true love, the real woman of my dreams! *Rises from his wheelchair, then collapses*

Sailor J-chan: *Puts him in the wheelchair* Be careful! Remember, you're supposed to be in a coma!

Pilar: *Rises from the audience* How did you get Antonio out of the coma, anyway?

Sailor J-chan: Me to know, you to find out! *Sticks out her tongue* Well, now that Antonio doesn't want Sheridan, the only obstacle is Beth. Let's go into the audience. Any comments?

Mrs. Wallace: *Stands up* My evil daughter does not deserve…

Sailor J-chan: Shut up! *Opens a Pokeball* Go, Vulpix! Flame Thrower!

Vulpix: *Burns Mrs. Wallace to a crisp*

Eve: *Stands up* I say on behalf of myself, T.C., Whitney, and Simone…thank you for loving Liz, Antonio! Keep her away from my T.C.!

Random Audience Member: Hey, what does T. C. stand for?

Sailor J-chan: Antonio, wait here. *Wheels Antonio behind a curtain* Now, Beth, what is your choice?

Beth: I want my Luis!

Sailor J-chan: Ah, but what would you say if I found you someone better than Luis? Come on out, Mystery Guy!

*Smoke appears, and a shadow steps into the smoke*

Sailor J-chan: Please welcome…FOX CRANE!!

*Fox appears from the smoke and takes a seat next to Beth*

Theresa: *In audience* Fox?!

Fox: I pretended to love Theresa so I could make Ethan jealous! Ever since I returned to Harmony, I've been hiding my true feelings for Beth! Please, Beth Wallace! Please return my love! *Collapses at her feet*

Beth: *Looks at J-chan*

Sailor J-chan: Either way, Sheridan and Luis will be together. You might as well go with Fox.

Beth: *Sighs. Stands up* All right, Fox, let's go. *Takes Fox's hand and leads him away*

Sheridan and Luis: Thank you, J-chan! *Walk away*

REVIEW!!


	2. Sam, Grace, Ivy, and David

Disclaimer-I don't own Passions, Diflucan, the quote from Will and Grace, or the quote from Sir Duke

Sam, Grace, Ivy, and David

Sailor J-chan: Welcome back! *Accepts applause* Now, before we move on to our next troubled troupe, *giggles at stupid pun* let's see how Beth, Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio are doing! *Pops in the tape*

Sheridan and Luis: *At their wedding reception* Thank you, Sailor J-chan! Diflucan worked for us!

Luis: Wait…wrong thing!

Sheridan and Luis: Well, anyway, thank you, Sailor J-chan!

*Scene cuts to a dark room*

Beth: Come on, Fox, throw me on the bed have your beastly way with me!

Sailor J-chan: AAAAHHHH! *Hastily fast-forwards*

*Scene changes to back stage*

Antonio: (Singing) You can feel it all over…huh? *Sees camera, stops singing* Oh, hi, J-chan! *Blushes*

Random Audience Member: Hey, how'd you cure Antonio's blindness?

Sailor J-chan: Author Power. And now, our next guests. Sam Bennett, Grace Bennett, Ivy Crane, and David Hastings!

*Sam, Grace, Ivy, and David walk out and take seats*

Sailor J-chan: Now, let's see…*Flips through cue cards* Sam and Grace are together, Ivy is divorced from Julian, and David is unattached. Now, Grace has amnesia and can't remember 20 years of her life. Apparently, during the time she forgot, she married David and had his baby, John. But after her amnesia she married Sam. Now, before Sam met Grace he was with Ivy and had a son, Ethan. But they separated: Ivy married Julian, and Sam married Grace. Then David shows up demanding Grace back. Is that right?

Sam, Grace, Ivy, and David: Yeah.

Sailor J-chan: Okay then…Sam, let's hear from you!

Sam: I'm in love with Grace. We have two girls, Jessica and Kay. I plan on staying with Grace. And I want David out of our lives!

Grace: And what about Ivy? You want her out of our lives, too, right?

Sam: Ivy can't be out of my life…Ethan is her son as well as mine!

Ivy: You see, Grace? Sam will never be completely yours!

Grace: *Attacks Ivy* 

Sailor J-chan: KILL! KILL! *Sees audience staring at her* Huh? Oh, I mean, break it up, guys!

*Security guards pull Grace and Ivy apart*

Sailor J-chan: Now, for Grace…

Grace: Look, all I want is for Ivy to get out of our lives. I am proud to be Grace Bennet! Besides, 'Grace Bennett' sounds better than 'Ivy Bennett' does.

Sailor J-chan: Too true, too true. Ivy?

Ivy: Listen…Sam was mine before Grace. He is the father of my son and my one true love. And anyway, Grace is married to David!

Sailor J-chan: Well, David?

David: Um…well…

Ivy: Don't you dare!

Eve: *Stands up in audience* DAVID ISN'T GRACE'S HUSBAND!!!!! THE DNA TESTS FOR JOHN AND GRACE WERE FAKE!!!!

Voice of God: And now Ivy must pay! *Strikes Ivy with a lightning bolt, burning her to a crisp*

Sam: *Picks up David and rams him into the wall*

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Sailor J-chan: *Pulls Sam off David* All right, no killing on my show! Sorry, David, but you'll have to be arrested for fraud.

*Police people arrest David and lead him away*

Sailor J-chan: AND Ivy, for conspiracy!

*More police come and arrest Ivy*

Sailor J-chan: WAIT!! *Runs after police and hands them money* Here's David's bail!

*Police let David go*

David: Gee, thanks! Why'd you pay for my bail?

Sailor J-chan: 'Cause I like you! You're kinda cute! *Pinches his cheek*

Hank: *Stands in audience* Hey!

Sailor J-chan: Don't worry, Hank, you're still number one! *Blows him a kiss*

*Ethan and John pop in*

Sailor J-chan: Will you ever forgive your parents?

Ethan and John: No!

Sailor J-chan: Oh, John, you have to forgive David! David's too cool not to be forgiven!

Ethan: And my mother?

Sailor J-chan: No, that 'Insert your own bad words here' deserves to burn in Hell.

John: I'll consider it…

Sailor J-chan: Yay! *Pats John's head, then checks watch* Oopsie! Outta time! Bye! *Waves*


	3. Kay, Miguel, Charity, and John

Disclaimer-I don't own Passions

Note-IYOBWH means Insert your own bad words here. Please do.

Warning-TURN BACK RIGHT NOW, KAY FANS!!!!!

Kay, Miguel, Charity, and John

Sailor J-chan: Hello, Passions fans, and welcome back to my show! Now, before we move on, let's see how the others are doing! *Pops in tape*

*Camera zooms in on Grace and Sam's door, with a Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob*

Sailor J-chan: Not going to go there….

*Camera zooms in on Ivy sitting in a jail cell, while Eve and David poke her with sticks*

Sailor J-chan: *laughs for hours and has to start a new show* Now, on to the next problem. Please welcome Kay Bennett, Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, Charity…Bennett, I guess, and John Hastings!

*Kay, Miguel, John, and Charity walk out*

Sailor J-chan: *Gets glazed look in her eyes when she sees Kay* No! IT'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN!!!! *Attacks Kay* Die you evil IYOBWH, die!

*Security guards pull Sailor J-chan off Kay. Kay has multiple cuts and bruises and a huge lump on her forehead*

Kay: Look at all the pretty stars…

Charity: *Dumps a bucket of water over Kay*

Sailor J-chan: *Throws a match on Kay, which is put out by Kay's wet clothes* Darn it! Why couldn't you throw oil or nail polish remover on her????!!!!!

Kay: Charity, where'd you get that bucket of water?

Charity: I don't know…it just showed up next to me…

Sailor J-chan: *After doing her 3-second therapy session* Sit, please!

*Kay, Miguel, Charity, and John sit*

Sailor J-chan: *Flips through cue cards* Now, Charity and Miguel are engaged, but Kay wants Miguel and John wants Charity. John hasn't made any moves on charity, but Kay used the forces of evil to get Charity's essence and seduce Miguel into bed, and now she is pregnant.

Kay: I did not!

Sailor J-chan: *Picks up a Holy Bible and puts it on Kay's lap* Swear on this.

Kay: What are you, kidding, I'm not gonna swear on this!

Sailor J-chan: Because you know you are lying! You used evil to get the man you claim you love! If you love him so much, why can't you let him be happy?

Kay: He'll be happier with me than with that goody-two-shoes over there! *Jerks her thumb at Charity*

Sailor J-chan: I think Charity will have something to say to that…

Charity: *People can see her rage building up, and finally she snaps and Evil Charity comes out* You little IYOBWH, how dare you seduce Miguel into sleeping with you? You need to let it go and face reality and realize that Miguel DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! I'll tell you what, you better keep the IYOBWH away from my fiancee, you little IYOBWH, or you'll see what Goody-Two-Shoes can do! I don't even think that's Miguel's baby you're carrying, you little slut! *Reverts back to Nice Charity and clasps her hands over her mouth* Oh my God, did I just do that? I used a run-on sentence and I told Kay off! That felt…pretty good, actually! I should do that more often.

Sailor J-chan: Yeah, you should! *Wipes tear from her eye* (Chokes up) That was so beautiful!

Charity: Come on, Miguel, let's get outta here. We have a wedding to plan. *Charity grabs Miguel's arm and yanks him offstage. There, they wave to Antonio, who is still waiting, and he waves back*

Sailor J-chan: Now. *Walks over to Kay, who stands up* I'll tell you what, Kay, you need to stop being such a punk kid and realize that Grace loves you just as much as she loves Charity! She's just disappointed in you, and you think that means she doesn't love you? Hell, you're stupid to think that. Like my sister said, your mother is gonna be the only one to stand by you when everyone else leaves. Her disappointment in you is NOT hate! She's trying to help you be a better person. You know what I think? You're desperate for attention. Well, if you want attention so much, why don't you stop getting other people's fiancees to knock you up and go out with John?

Kay: *Is speechless for a moment* Y'know…that's really not such a bad idea…

Sailor J-chan: And another thing…wait. Did you just say that you're ACTUALLY gonna go out with John?

Kay: Well, I guess…if he lets me.

John: Well, I've practically given up on Charity, so I might as well start dating again.

Sailor J-chan: *Her turn to be speechless for a moment* Well, if you both want to I can't stop you…And I really hope you'll be a better person after this, Kay.

*Kay and John walk away, planning their 1st date*

Sailor J-chan: *Turns to audience* You should know by now I'm not a huge Kay/Miguel fan. I was so PO'd at Kay. I can't stand punk kids like that. If you flame me I don't care and if you liked it, well, all the better! I'm outta time anyway, so, bye! *Waves*


	4. Theresa, Ethan, and Gwen

Disclaimer-Passions, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, DBZ

Note-TURN BACK NOW, GWEN FANS! There's also a little Ethan-bashing

Theresa, Ethan, and Gwen

Sailor J-chan: Hello, and welcome back! Let's see how Kay, Miguel, Charity, and John are doing! *Pops in tape*

Charity: *Is flipping through wedding magazines while Miguel holds up a HELP sign*

*Cut to next scene*

*Kay and John are making out. Kay sees the camera and puts her hand in front of it*

Sailor J-chan: All right, now we welcome Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, Gwen Hotchkiss, and Ethan Crane-Bennet!

*Theresa, Gwen, and Ethan walk out and take seats*

Sailor J-chan: *Whistles innocently as she snaps a rubber band at Gwen*

Gwen: Hey!

Sailor J-chan: All righty, then, here we go! To put it in laymen's terms, Theresa wants Ethan, but Gwen is married to Ethan. There, no long, drawn-out history of their problems. It's a little too long to get into.

Theresa: Look, the only reason Ethan married Gwen was because he got her pregnant.

Gwen: That's not true!

Theresa: *Jumps up* Yes it is! You're a whore, just like your mother!

*Gwen and Theresa proceed to beat each other up. Sailor J-chan and Security Guards pull them apart. Gwen has a scar across her right eye and a clump of hair ripped out. Theresa has a black-and-blue right eye and is screaming incoherently*

Ethan: Uh…

Sailor J-chan: All right, you know what I think? I think Theresa loves Ethan more than Gwen does.

Gwen: THAT IS NOT TRUE!!

Theresa: Yes, it is!

*Theresa and Gwen proceed to beat each other up again, and they are pulled apart again. Gwen's face is all scratched up and Theresa's sleeve is ripped*

Sailor J-chan: I also think it's up to Ethan.

Ethan: Uh…

*Who Wants To Be A Millionaire music starts playing in the background* 

Ethan: Uh…

Sailor J-chan: UGH! YOU ARE THE MOST INDECISIVE MAN I'VE EVER MET! *Whacks him on the head* WILL YOU PICK ONE FOR GOD'S SAKE SO I CAN END THIS STUPID EPISODE AND MAKE-OUT WITH HANK????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ethan: Uh…

Sailor J-chan: AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! *Runs her head into wall*

Regis: *Pops in* I'm gonna sue you for using my music!

Sailor J-chan: Can't. Look at the disclaimer!

Regis: AAAWWWW! *Disappears*

Sailor J-chan: *Turns back to look at Ethan, who quickly stops making out with Theresa and blushes* Ha! I knew it! You love Theresa!

Ethan: I have since time began.

Sailor J-chan: Than why did you go 'Uh…' like a moron for 5 minutes?

Ethan: To annoy you.

Sailor J-chan: AAAAHHHH!!! *Proceeds to jump Ethan and beat him up. Security guards pull her off him. Ethan is un-scratched. Well, nothing can ever phase Ethan…*

Gwen: And what about our baby, Ethan?

Ethan: Oh, who are you kidding, Gwen? You aren't pregnant! You would've been much fatter by now if you were!

Gwen: *Lip quivers* WAAAAHHHHH!!! MY EX-HUSBAND IS MEAN TO ME!!!!!! *Runs off to hook-up with Yamcha from Dragonball Z, and all Yamcha fans and Gwen fans are satisfied*

Theresa: By the way, Sailor J-chan, have you seen Antonio? We're worried about him…

Sailor J-chan: Oh, he's backstage! Don't worry about him.

Ethan: Well, Sailor J-chan, I picked which woman I loved. You can end the episode and make-out with Hank now.

Sailor J-chan: YAY!!! *Ends episode and runs off to make-out with Hank while Theresa gets a divorce from Julian and Ethan gets a divorce from Gwen* 


End file.
